A Rough Journey

This post is for all of the people that have been wondering how we are doing and for those that have no idea of the journey our family has been on over the last 18 months.  These thoughts have been running through my head for some time now and with the craziness of life lately I haven't had a chance to put them into words.
   I want to say that I am a better person for having experienced the loss of Gabriel and Luke.  I can honestly say that I feel blessed to wake up in my life every morning but I sure didn't start out that way.  After we lost Gabriel I was devastated....How could this happen to me?  This doesn't happen to healthy, well-educated, middle class people.  I've done everything right!!!!  After the initial grief and shock began to fade I was hopeful for future children and still had a yearning for another baby.  The Dr's. assured us this wouldn't happen again and I would be monitored very closely so off we go into another pregnancy.  I put myself on limited activity, went on bed rest when I felt I needed to, stopped picking up my kids, took more vitamins and supplements than CVS carries and visited the Dr. very week.  Everything looked PERFECT!!  I have learned to really dislike that word!  My world came to a crashing halt again on April 19th when my water broke at 20 weeks for the second time!  Just a few short days after everything looked so perfect.  Our little boy passed away later that evening which was probably a blessing for both of us.  The difference between Gabriel's delivery and Luke's delivery is that I had a stay in the ICU after a very scary OR experience where I came pretty close to dying.  A monumental day for this family in more ways than one!
  I was honestly numb for at least the first week.  I wanted to be by myself and not talk to anyone.  I literally wanted to stay in my closet all day where I didn't have to face the world without my baby again.  It was not fair that I had to go through this twice!  How come it seemed like everyone else got to take their baby home with them and all I have is a set of miniature footprints?  I was so angry!  I couldn't come out of my grief enough to try and help my husband or my kids.  Things started to turn for me when Josh came in to my closet one afternoon while I was holed up in there. He pleaded with me to just come out and be with our kids.  I felt like I was dishonoring Luke and Gabriel if I didn't cry all day.  My heart and my mind started turning after that day.   I was going to have to find a way to adjust to this new normal in my life.  Nothing will take the place of those little boys but I had to choose....Do I want to let this ruin me and effect Josh, Will, and Amelia more than it already has?  Would Gabriel and Luke want that for their Mom or their family?  No way!  If I am going to truly honor the lives of my boys then I am going to enjoy every second that I have on this earth and be grateful for all that God has blessed me with.  I have a husband who I adore and a marriage that gets better and stronger very year.  How could I not be there for a man who told me that going through all of this just makes him love me more?  I have two of the greatest kids I could ever ask for.  The sweetest, kindest little boy whose faith is an example to all of us.  A beautiful little girl who keeps me on my toes and makes life interesting.  A little girl who in all reality is a miracle herself.  If what the Dr's say is correct in that all of the damage occurred  during Will's birth then Amelia should not have made it to 35 weeks but she is here and I am so deeply grateful and blessed!  I chose to look at all that God has blessed me with rather than be angry with what I felt had been taken from me.  We felt God's presence through all of the people that he has surrounded us with.  We have the greatest family, friends and neighbors.  They all helped us in some way see the light during such a dark time.  Some of the simplest things made a huge difference.  We had more food brought to us then we could hold in our refrigerator.  My tupperware cabinet runneth over!  One dear friend took her whole Saturday and made us a week worth of meals while I was on bed rest, my Mom flew in at the drop of a hat to care for me and the kids during the week I was on bed rest, people brought by books for me to read, drove my kids all over town, brought me to the Dr. the morning my world collapsed and stayed with me all day (Josh was in DC), picked Josh up at the airport, took my kids and my dog during the entire time I was at the hospital, organized 3 weeks worth of meals for us when I came home, out of town friends sent flowers and food, my sister flew in to be by my side, my Dad came in to hang out with and distract my kids, people prayed over me and visited me in the ICU because they couldn't just sit at home, we received uplifting e-mails, cards and FB messages from long ago friends, offers to watch trashy TV with me all day, and brought my kids their favorite flavor of popsicles. We had Dr's and nurses who cried with us, prayed with us, and blessed Luke. People were hurting for us and wanted to help so bad. I do not know what the future holds for this family but I am excited to find out.  I know that I was not taken with my babies for a reason.  God still has a plan for me and whatever that plan is I know it will be perfect. Our experience has brought us closer to him and closer to each other. The perspective that we have gained on life is invaluable. There are not many people that get a glimpse of what life would be like without them in it or without their spouse.  There is nothing I want more than to be Josh's wife and Will and Amelia's mom. It is a privilege to get to do that everyday.  Normal life is a gift and one I don't want to take for granted! "For I know the plans I have for you (declares the Lord) plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to bring you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11